I really want to be open to what it is that Heavenly Father wants me to do.  I will admit there are times in my life when I have tried to avoid those things… such as when I knew I was supposed to go on a mission and instead I got engaged two different times, both ending not so well, before finally realizing I really should do what I felt the Lord wanted me to do.  After I had T3 I was very adament we would have no more children.  Using 2 forms of birth control, not even being open to the idea.

I am at the point where I am open.  Where I am asking, What is it that Thou would have me do? 

So the obvious one is have a baby.  Multiply and replenish the earth.  I am at the point where I could handle that.  I am getting older so I would rather do it sooner than later.  So I am praying, but I am pretty sure the answer is “no”.  I know it isn’t “yes”.  Maybe it is just “not yet.”  Only time will tell. 

So this is exciting to me.  I am loving my family how it is.  I love the spacing of my boys.   T1 and T2 are just at this fun age.  They are funny and interesting little boys.  I am enjoying T3 so much, I fear a new baby would take away some of that joy.  (I think because I had PPD with T2 , that year after he was born was SO hard.  I don’t want to live that again.)

So then I question again, what am I supposed to do? 

I loved going to the Trust Birth conference.  There were a lot of midwives there.  I know that I am supposed to be involved in helping birthing women.  I wonder if maybe I should be doing MORE than being a CBE and Doula.  I really have prayed over the last few weeks.  Am I supposed to become a midwife?  This sounds exciting to me. I have always wanted to be a midwife, since I was a little girl.  We can afford for me to go to school.  I have time.  But again the answer is “no” or maybe “not yet”  It is something that I would like to do, but I also think it would be something that would just take my mind more off of my family.  What I am doing currently in the birthing world is the right amount for me at this time.  It is a good balance of doing something I love and still having plenty of time for my family.  I am tempted though, I love being a student.  I might take an Introduction to Midwifery class or take a class here and there that would prepare me for midwifery school later.  But I am not to be a dedicated midwifery student right now.  I am sort of bummed about this.  But ok with it.

So then I question again, what am I supposed to do? 

Scarily I think that maybe I am supposed to homeschool the boys.  There are so many little things happening in the last few weeks that are leading me to this.  Again I LOVE to research, so I am starting that now and it all feels so right.  Sometimes I read something and am so touched by the Spirit I start to cry.  I listened to Elder Ballards talk and it also confirmed to me that this would be a good thing for our family. 

Now frankly this does scare me in so many different ways.  But I will research, talk with DH, ponder, pray… before making such a huge decision.  Because let’s face it, it would definitely change our lives.   Well mostly my life.  And I love my life right now.  I love having the big boys at school and being with just T3.  I LOVE my quiet time while T3 naps and it is hard to refocus when he wakes up and the boys get home.  Will I lose my time? 

I know I will come to a point where I will know if I am supposed to homeschool the boys, it will be yes or no, or maybe even not yet.  But I want to be open to whatever that is.  For whatever is best for my boys, for my family.   (I fasted and prayed on Sunday and felt that I need to do research on homeschooling, no firm decisions to make at this point as the boys are both in good situations at school.)